Yesterday, my three-year-old daughter said to me, "I want another baby. I want a sister. I don't have a girl to play with in my beautiful house in all my life!" (she has a quaint turn of phrase). Soberly, I considered the dimensions of this. "We might not get a sister, Misha- we might go through all that and get another brother! That would be OK though, yes?" I offered.
"I want a sister!"
How to explain?
And even less clear is what we'll be getting as a family in terms of maternity care. Less choice, certainly. Our preference as a family is to be attended at home by a registered independent midwife. We find the medical model just too restrictive and anxiety producing. Certainly, had I a medical issue or complication during a pregnancy or birth I would seek the advice of a medical professional. But I don't want my midwife under the supervision of the medical model. I don't want some remote obstetrician having power of veto over my birthing choices. What if I wanted a natural twin or breech birth at home without having to fight for it or get hassled? Or worse,to just get told I can't?
And I don't want the hospital clock ticking over my birth pool either.
If my labour wants to stretch out over a few days, or be on and off for a week, and myself and baby are OK, then I don't want the latex-gloved finger pulling the plug on it from afar.
Obviously, as a prospective fourth-time mum and third-time HBACer (homebirth after cesarean), the anxiety is already getting to me!
Last night, I had a dream...
I was going into labour at home with my fourth baby. It was early morning and the rest of the household snored. I was vaguely aware that there were other people asleep in the house, strangers... I became aware that I had made no arrangements for the birthing- I had no midwife and I was not booked into a hospital... I felt the baby's head begin to come down. I thought about just getting on with it, going it alone, but I was afraid- it wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to wake anyone. Should I call an ambulance? That wasn't what I wanted either. At least there would be midwives, somebody, at the hospital. And the baby's head was about to crown- how much could they stuff it up for me at this point? So that's what I did.
Once at the hospital, I explained that as it was my fourth baby, I had sort of just got on with things and hadn't thought to make arrangements for the birth until it was too late! I birthed my baby standing up in the delivery room with two midwives in attendance. The baby was born face-up. I reached down for the baby, eager to discover the sex. "You've had a daughter!" cried one of the midwives.
They let me have my birth, but they stole that precious moment of discovery for me, something I have cherished with my previous children. I was angry about that afterwards, in the dream.
But the anger that doesn't dissipate with the dream, is the anger over our dissipating choices as birthing women, precious choices being stolen from us right now. What will I tell my daughter about that?
"But I want a home birth with an independent midwife!"
How to explain?
1 comment:
Absolutely thought provoking Sarah. We have started having discussions about care in birth - springing from discussions about going to the protest last week (sadly we missed it due to gastro).
I want Dylan to understand that something important and special is being taken from us - something he had and other babies will not get a chance to have. After all the discussions he's starting to get it.
Makes me angry that we should even have to have these discussions with our children. The battle is NEVER won.
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